The Senile Adventures of Sirius and Remus
by Mrs.Grose
Summary: Happly ever after, and they loved each other for ever. We've all heard it before, but what about later on? Does true love really stand the test of time? SBxRL SLASH
1. Default Chapter

Author Note: Well one night when I was mindlessly staring at the ceiling and it accrued to me that every one talks about talks about people loving each other forever. But when they say this they're only writing about when their young, or nearing thirty. So I said to myself "it's about time we have some old people action going on." So I really do hope you all enjoy this!

Warning: This next chapter you are about to read was written by a depraved crazed twisted sick lunatic, if you in ANY WAY find to _old men_ "together" being wrong, This _might_ not be the story for you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter etc etc, though if any one would like to get me a nice birthday present…. Oh and nor do I own 'Depends' the adult diaper.

**The Senile Adventures of Sirius and Remus**

Two elderly men sat on the porch of a small house in an unusual village named Hogsmeade. One man sat on an old wicker rocking chair. He had a full head of deep grey hair, and was a rather slim man. He wore shabby robes and was hardly ever seen with out his usual glass of tea in hand.

The man to his left had thin silvery white hair. Unable to stand the fact that he was balding, he bravely wore a not so great comb over. He sat on an old cushioned lawn chair and carried an old knobby stick which he frequently swung in people's faces when they bothered him.

"Remus…REMUS!" shouted the old balding man.

Remus took a long sip of his tea and hummed to himself. Finally having heard the other man yelling in his ear he turned to respond.

"Mmmmmm…Oh, yes Sirius? The 'Depends' are under the bathroom counter. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Sirius glared at him, either that or he was squinting as to be able to see him. "No, that is _not_ it. I was just wondering if you wanted to come inside to change?"

"Hm say what now? Why would I need to change? Are we going some where? Have you finally decided to take me dancing?" Remus said with aged sarcasm.

"No! You know what I'm talking about… _change_ ! I must have lost track of the lunar calendar…"

"No no no Sirius, it's not that time of the month yet!" He sighed.

"Yes it is, I can see the hair sprouting out of your ears already," Sirius shuck his head and added woefully, "All full of hair, tsk tsk tsk."

"Padfoot I don't have to change, look it's not even a full moon tonight," Remus raised his hand and pointed to the sky. "AND Severus hasn't stopped by with any wolfsbane!"

"You know I can't see that far, and I wouldn't put it past Snivellus to try and kill me by leaving me alone with a full fledged Werewolf! I'm ganna conjure up some silver, I think not having your potion is making you irrational." Then with a flick of his withering wrinkly wrist a silver cross appeared. "Now I don't want to have to use this, ya hear?"

"Why don't you conjure up a calendar while you're at it." Remus muttered darkly to himself.

"See you're so violent." The balding man got up to go inside. "If it'll make you any happier I'll go get the lunar chart for you." Sirius got up clutching to his knobby stick for support in his attempt to walk inside the little house.

The other man groaned. He rested his head on his fist and sighed, "When you're young, falling in love with a convicted crazed murder sounds so appealing but when your ninety it just sounds like stupidity."

Just then the elderly, yet sexy in that weird 'wow-your-great-grandpa-is-a-totally-looker' kind of way, Sirius Black hobbled back outside. "Okay, your right it's not a full moon." He grunted.

"I told you so, ya old bat."

"Shut up."

"Aww don't feel bad, we all become a little senile in our old age."

Sirius jumped from his cushioned lawn chair and said, "I am not old nor am I senile! I'm as sane as I was when I was 19."

"Which -remember dear- wasn't that sane."

Choosing to ignore this he attempted to move around and flex his muscles but he soon sat back down rubbing his back. Remus looked at him with concern.

"You really shouldn't be doing that. Madame Pomfrey isn't around any more to fix your broken bones...well more like your broken _hip_ bone that is." He warned.

"That's it. I'm leaving. I can't stand this anymore! After 79 years, I've had enough!"

Remus laughed despite Sirius's threats. "And were do you think you are going to go? Assuming of course that you and your bad back can make it to the street to hail the Night Bus."

He scooted his feet making it half way across the porch "I'll go to Harry's and then we shall embark on a grand adventure!" Sirius raised his arms in the air, shaking his fist.

Remus rolled his eyes and got up after him. "Come here you big OLD puppy dog ((A/N I have no clue what made me think Remus would say that...I just thought it was cute…))." He put his hands on Sirius's shoulders and spun him around. "Your stuck with me till our dieing day."

"I wish I were dead."

"Of course you do, now lets go inside and I'll make us some tea."

The two went inside to do what only ninety year old men know how to do.

SBRLSBRLSBRLSBRLSBRLSBRLSBRLSBRL

Author Notes: Did you guys like it? Think it was weird? Want to know what drugs I'm on? TELL ME! Trust me I want to know! Should love be talked about even when we're old and sagging in our naughty places? Should I keep this a one shot and burn any copies, or make it into a cute little series? TELL ME your thoughts!


	2. The Good Old Days

**Author's Notes:** Well here we are, I've decided to write another chapter. Thank you all soooo much for the reviews! Yall are much too sweet!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter etc etc.

**Chapter Two: To Grandfathers' House We Go!**

Sirius sat in the large comfortable midnight blue abyss that was his recliner. He leaned back, and opened _The Daily Prophet_, slowly turning each page after a moment's glance. Nothing truly important was happening in the world, with the war fought and won years ago newspapers now turned to interviews with celebrities. Not only was the wizarding world going at a slow pace, so was the life of Sirius and Remus. Sirius was on the verge of a peaceful and well-deserved nap, when Remus walked into the room.

"Oh isn't today lovely? Don't you just feel so…full of energy?" Remus asked.

"Mmm Hmm." Sirius mumbled.

"Wouldn't you like to, oh go out side and play catch or something?"

Sirius now all too suspicious lifted one eye and looked at Remus inquisitively. " Now why would I want to do something like that?"

"Because…Harry and Draco are bringing Dorian over for a visit and…"

"Hell no! No way on earth are you getting my to go outside and play with him. Don't you remember last time? He hit me in the balls and I couldn't get an erection for a week EVEN with Viagra." Sirius sprang up and attempted to stand, but his back got the better of him.

"Ah, honey come on he's so sweet, and…I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to hit you…well there at any rate…"

"No, no I refuse, help me get up and into the bathroom before he gets here."

Just then a loud pop was heard from the kitchen fireplace. "To late, Dorian's here." Remus pushed Sirius back into his recliner and told him, "Now you entertain him while I go make some cookies!"

Sirius was about to protest when a young boy walked into the living room. Even though his parent's were in their 70's Dorian himself was only 10 years old. Harry and Draco had been researching was to have a child since they had gotten married, but until a few years ago the only ways to achieve their goal were of old magik requiring a sacrifice. Harry had not wanted to be the cause of any one or anything losing it's life, after so many he had seen perish through out the war.

"Grandpa Remus!" Exclaimed the fair-haired teenage. He ran towards him and they both embraced.

" Hey, it's good to see you too, now I'm ganna go into the kitchen and bake some cookies, you two have fun okay?" Remus patted him on the head, and then walked out of the living room.

Dorian, though he had pale skin, seemed to give off a golden glow. He had flaxen hair like his Father, but his eyes were a stunning green like his Dad's. He wore a slim fitting grey-ridged sweater with a half neck zipper, and sand blasted jeans.

"HI grandpa Sirius, how are you?" He asked as he sat down on the love seat beside his recliner.

"Alright, how are things going at school, not getting into any trouble are we?"

"I'm not old enough to go to school yet Grandpa Sirius."

"Oh right."

They sat in awkward silence, tapping and strumming their fingers to their mind's melody. Moments more passed with out a word said. Till finally Dorian looked at Sirius and asked him, "Grandpa Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"How come Grandpa Lucius has a wife and you don't?"

"Well, because I have a husband." Sirius replied.

" I know that but where you not like good enough for a wife? How come you choose a husband instead?"

"I most certainly was good enough for a wife...maybe too good for a wife, and I choose a husband cause that's who I loved."

"Hmm okay"

Awkward silence had once again taken claim of the conversation between the two. Then Dorian looked up, "Grandpa Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"How come Grandpa Severus has lots of lady friends and you don't?"

Sirius's eye twitched at the name of his rival since ages old. "Because I was good enough to settle down instead of being a man whore with how many different people only god knows."

"Well how come you never had a bunch of lady friends? I mean were you really as smelly and ugly as Grandpa Severus says you were?"

Sirius looked outraged, " Of course I had lots of girls back a in the day! And Snivellus has no right to be talking!"

"Uh Huh of course not, that's why he's the one with all the ladies, Then again, Grandpa Severus said you never really were that good with the opposite sex, even when you were in school."

"Oh really now? Do you want to hear about how things REALLY were when we were in school together?"

"To tell you the truth…"

"Okay I'm glad to hear your not even the least bit willing to listen to your old dying Grandpa's mindless ramblings…I'll make sure to leave you out of the will."

"OMG YOU'RE DYING! I'm so sorry Grandpa Sirius, I'll listen!" Dorian's eyes bulged at the news of his grandfathers nearing death.

"No I'm not dying, but HA! You agreed to listen anyway so here we go let me tell you about a typical day back in…the day.

Every morning I would wake up to the beautiful music of harps. You see my fan club had thought that just the average ringing bell would be too harsh an awakening for me, so they had charmed my alarm to sound like a heavenly choir. I usually had to wait on all the other boys to get out of the shower, because I was so stunning that I drove one boy to therapy…no joke!

After getting ready I'd head down to the Great Hall, where a red carpet was always laid out for me. As I ate my breakfast I was lathered in praise from every girl, and a few of the guys. Tiffany handed me my homework, which she had been doing for me since 1st year.

"Nah Uh! No way, Some girl named Tiffany did not do your homework for you! Dad tells me all the time how you were at the friggin' top of your class and…"

"Hey Dorian, who's telling the story here, you or me?…and watch your fucking language. No back to my story."

Remus, James, Peter, and I would walk to our first class together. Some times they would be so worn out from having to keep my screaming fans off me with a stick.

"…Your joking...you actually had to keep girls off you with a stick?"

" Boys _and_ Girls…though it was in all actuality Remus and James that kept them off me. Peter was to busy being a fat ugly prat…glare"

When we got to class the teacher would constantly tell the whole class what an amazing job I did on my homework, though not with out mentioning that Severus did not do his due to a severe case off herpes.

"Grandpa Severus never…"

"Boy will you let me finish my story or not?"

So, then our teacher would go on about sniveluss's various STD's contracted from his great grand father. We'd go to lunch; the house elves specially made me the finest French cuisine or what ever else I wished to eat that day. After a quick lunch, every one came to watch me practice for quditch, they waved banners in the air, praising me, worshipping me…

Sirius continued to ramble on about the good old days, but Dorian shut him out. His attention had been stolen by the intoxicating smell of Remus's home made chocolate chip cookies.

"Then I had an orgy with 7 girls and 4 guys every day at four…" Sirius's eyes had become unfocused as he retold the "true" events of his school days…to himself.

"Don't mind him…I don't think his old mind can remember that far back." Remus said while handing Dorian a box of cookies to take home.

"Uh-huh...well I'd better get going on back home. Bye grandpa Sirius, Bye grandpa Remus!" With that Dorian left…at every fast pace...more like running to the kitchen fireplace.

" Seven girls and four guys every day? I don't recall ever being invited." Remus said, he sat down on the arm of Sirius's recliner and removed his apron.

"Um…Well...I did it for you!"

"Really?"

"Yes! I knew that you liked to take control, so...I wore myself out before I got to the dormitories where you had your way with me!"

"Hmm how's about we go back to the bed room and see who takes control of who? Shall we?"

**Author's Notes:**Wow another chapter about the horny old bastards who basically get Viagra in business. So tell em what you all thought, good, bad, toasterific (the adj. Form of toaster)?


	3. Grandparent's Day Part One

**Author's Note:** Wow another chapter. Which can only be explained in that Jesse is a slave driver. -- Well I hope every one likes the secound chapter, what did you all think of Dorian? In this chapter we'll see guest appearances from Narcissa Malfoy and her lovely husband, Severus Snape and his flavour of the month, and of course Dorian. Please R&R!

Oh just to clear something up, _I_ think Severus would be Dorian's grandfather in that, Sirius is Harry's godfather and is still considered Dorian's grandparent, and I have always liked the idea of Severus being Draco's godfather. Even though highly unlikely, but hell what about my FF is likely?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter etc, etc.

Grandparent's Day 

"But I don't want to go!"

Sirius Black sat on the edge of his bed, his and Remus Lupin's bed, and pouting no less.

"Haven't I seen that kid already this week? Why should I go to this god damn thing anyway?"

"Now, now Sirius, you wouldn't want Lucius and Severus to have Dorian all to themselves would you?" Remus said, he was fixing his hair, and straightening his clothes in the bedroom mirror.

"Hmmm good point, they might turn out to be incestuous pedophiles, as I have always suspected. I guess I'll have to go just for moral's sake."

"Mm Hmm what ever. It'll be lots of fun, there's supposed to be this competition between the grandparents, like you know three legged races with your grand kid, arm wrestling, and what not."

"Mmmhph." Sirius grunted, he crossed his arms over his chest and still did not look pleased about going.

Remus walked over to him, placing his cloak around his shoulders, and handing Sirius his as well. "You wouldn't want Lucius or Severus to look like a better grandparent then you would you?"

Those were the magic words, "You know very well they are not the better grandparents!"

"Hmm, well I'm thinking you still need to prove me wrong. Cause of late I'm not to believing."

"What you dare not believe in me? That's it, we're leaving now, I refuse to be the last grandparents there! So Um…where is this place I'm supposed to be apperating to?"

"Do I really look that stupid? If we apperate there, chances are you would mysteriously end up and the leaky caldron." Remus got up and pulled out a jar of sparkling powder and threw it into the flames, which instantly turned green.

Sirius looked at his husband, "Well go on then, I'll follow." Black crossed his fingers behind his back.

"Once again sweet, I'm not that stupid. You first, just say XXXXXXX that's the name of his polishing school you know. ((A/N Hey it's not like I'm a creative genius or anything, coming up with names for under 11 year old Wizarding School is something the author should do.))"

"Alright, alright," Sirius stood before the fireplace, wishing he had drank that entire bottle of vodka for breakfast instead of only a glass and shouted, " XXXXXXXX!"

Sirius had used floo to travel several times in his life but now in his old age the feeling of being sucked down a very large drain was too much for him. The spinning made his back ache, and the cold slap in the face made his comb over move. He'd be damned if any one, especially Lucius or Severus, saw him this way; flustered, bent over, and his baldness even more evident. ((If that were possible.))

Sirius landed on firm ground, and quickly stood up, and moved to the side so Remus would not land on top of him. Every one knew that he was the pitcher and Remus was the catcher. He without delay fixed his hair and looked around to find that god-forsaken grandchild of his.

"GRANDPA SIRIUS!"

Glomp

"A tiny blonde boy had just jumped on top of Sirius Black. What a sad day to be alive, Midgets attacking the infamous Azkaban escapee." Came form a man who stood near by, smiling and leaning back against the wall of the fireplace in the center of the school's lobby.

"Shut up Grandpa Remus, I'm not a midget! I'm tall for my age! " Dorian removed himself form Sirius and gave Remus a hug.

"Of course you, so where are your parents? I haven't seen Harry in ages." Remus asked the boy.

Dorian looked you, his pale skin still giving off that golden glow as he gave a mischievous grin, "They stayed home, they said it was a 'Grandparents Day' and there would be enough people from my family here. Plus they said they needed some alone time, if you know what I mean."

" Yeah I do, I was supposed to be having some of that 'alone time' stuff my self today." Sirius muttered to himself, while scanning the room. " So it would seem Lucius, and Snivellus didn't think you were important enough to show up. Well seeing as we're the only grandparents that love you why don't we ditch this gay school event and go get some ice cream. Hell I'd buy you some porn if it would get me out of this."

"Sirius do you really think it's appropriate to be giving ten year olds porn?" came a cold voice from behind them. "See Narcissa, I told you we should have come here, here's all the proof in the world that Sirius Black is not to be trusted with young boys, even young boys in his family."

Sirius and Remus and Dorian spun around to find Lucius Malfoy and his lovely wife Narcissa behind them. Despite their age ((nearing up on 100 have you)) they both were stunning. Lucius's once platinum blonde hair had finally mad the transition to white, and was held back with a black ribbon. He wore a fine set of black silk and satin robes and a heavy but yet still flowing black cloak.

His wife Narcissa had never once in her life looked any thing other then beautiful, and today was no exception. Her hair still held it's blonde shade, her gracefully slim figure wore a rich silver set of robes, adorned with lace edges, and matched with black pearls glistening on her neck, wrist, and ears. She wore a thin and fashion able black cloak.

"Grandfather Lucius! Grandmother Narcissa! You're here!" Dorian gave them both hugs, while Sirius cursed fate for being such a bitch.

"Hello Lucius, long time no see. How are the politics doing?" Remus asked as he offered his hand.

"Good, good, as always. What are you doing now a days since you've retired from teaching?" Lucius accepted Remus's hand and gave if a quick, but firm, shake.

"Oh not to much, just practicing making chocolate cookie, and gardening and other stuff to that extend. Just trying to enjoy myself."

"Hmm, making cookies and gardening, isn't that house elves work?" Malfoy scoffed.

"Yes well, Hermione very well wouldn't let us hire one." Remus blushed.

"Not that he needs one, he makes the best damn cookie in the whole world!" Dorian piped in.

"Dorian watch your language, no doubt you picked that up while over visiting that crude Sirius Black."

Remus held Sirius back, trying to prevent a fight, and a broken hip. Lord knows neither of them were as strong as they once were.

"Nah-uh Grandpa Sirius won't even let me say friggin!"

"Ah what's this, Sirius censoring the youth already?" The silky voice sent chills down Sirius's spine. _Snivellus._

Wow…Sirius was right, it was Sevie! Who did he know he would be showing up? A-mazing! There stood the ever-sexy Severus Snape, former potions master of Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry, now world wide acclaimed player and pimp! He wore the same all black ensemble that he had been wearing since he was five, but hey if it ant broke don't fix it, cause we all know he's been sexy since he was five! And yes he did have a full head of hair…because God hates me, thought Sirius.

"Lovely to see you here, glad to see your herpes weren't flaring up so much that you'd have to miss coming." The sexy even though he was the only bald grandparent there Sirius Black.

"Ha, ha, yes Dorian told me all about that little 'story' you told him of our school days." Sevie said. "I'd like to introduce you all to my date Brittany… well aren't you going to say hello?"

"You like told me not to say anything so people would see what a dumb twit I am." Said the young…very young...bubbly brunette girl at his side. She was wearing some of the sluttyer couture of the wizarding world.

"Seems like you don't have this one as well trained as the others, Snivellus."

Severus glared at him. "Shut up, at least I'm still hot amongst all the twenty year old girls, I but you couldn't even bang a 50 year old menopausal woman!"

"I'll have you know Ginny Weasley has offered to turn me straight on many an occasion ((Yes I know she's actually in her sixties, like 69 to be exact with the story, but who's to say Sevie keeps up with the age of his least favorite students?)) And I'll I have to do to get me some twenty year old ass, is say Harry Potter is my god child!"

"EEEWW! Ginny's like…my aunt!" Dorian covered his ears trying not to think of how wrong that would be.

"I think that's enough don't you? Why don't me and Narcissa and Brittany go sit with the other grandmother, because I think there's enough testosterone over here at the moment, and you three behave for Dorian's sake!" Remus led the 'other' women. ((You can't tell me you've never had fantasies of Remus in a dress!))

"So…um...what now?"

"Well the activities start soon. First's there's arm wrestling between the grandparents and then there is three legged racing with your grand kid, and there's a pie eating contest and of course there's mud wrestling."

The three older men looked at their grand child with disbelief, mud wrestling? At there age?

"No joke, mud wrestling, I heard that Dumbledore was the one who came up with all the activities."

"Dumbledore's not alive!"

"Well I have heard rumors,"

"That does sound like something he'd come up with, that horny old bastard."

The other two grandfathers agreed on that with a consecutive "Yup"

"So we'll all arm wrestle, then me and Dorian will kick butt on the three legged racing, and then…"

Sirius was cut off by Severus. "Who says you'll be the one to race with Dorian? You're not the only grandparent here ya know."

"I agree with you Severus, I think I should be the one to race with him, a Malfoy never loses, and well with two Malfoys…"

"Well hold on a secound, I was actually talking about me and Dorian competing in the race together."

"Why don't you guys see who wins the arm wrestling contest, and the winner can race with me, and just to spice things up, the two loser will have to race together? Hmmm how does that sound."

Sirius patted him on the head. "Always knew he was a genius."

Remus Lupin, Narcissa Malfoy, and Brittany…((don't look at me; I don't know her last name!)) sat ill at ease with each other. Neither of them were on great terms with one another, Brittany was excluded, chances were that she was one of Severus's late night pick ups at the local bar. All he had to do was say his name and girls flocked to him, risking your life by being a spy for the light side during the war was apparently a big turn on for many young drunk women…and men.

They sat at a lovely picnic table outside on the school grounds. Remus at first felt completely out of place surrounded by all these women, but soon found he was not the only man out there. No one had the heart to tell him that the five men that were out side with the women were crippled and had no other chose.

"So, Dorian is a really cute kid. Sev never mentioned him to me last night till this morning when he looked at his calendar ((A/N the calendar has kittens on it chasing butterflies and playing with yarn…FYI))

Narcissa and Remus quickly shared a muffled laugh and then Narcissa said as she filled her nails. "Well of course he's cute, he's a Malfoy how could he not be? Beauty is in our blood."

"Well don't forget he's also a Potter, and they have always been rather handsome. Why Look at Harry, and he's the spitting image of James ta boot." Remus added in from behind a magazine.

"Yes, I'm sure he might have gotten some of his charismatic charm from Harry's side of the family but there is no doubt that he takes mostly after Draco. I mean just look at that hair, and his skin. Radiant and sophisticated beauty, just like a Malfoy." Narcissa stopped filing her nails, and looked up at Lupin.

"Yes, yes, he has the infamous blonde hair, but have you seen him on a broomstick? And those eyes! He is a Potter through and through." Remus had set the magazine done.

"I can't deny his eyes do seem rather, more of an attribute from Harry's side, but come on, Dorian's skills on a broom are most definitely from Draco, no way Potter has that kind of grace. And speaking of grace, you must have noticed the way he carries himself, with pride and elegance, and you most assuredly can not tell me that's a trade mark of the Potters."

-Five minutes later-

Brittany is banging her head on the picnic table, as the two much older persons behind her argue with voices on the verge of yelling. Poor Brittany is in the center of all this, literally. She is sitting at the end of the table, whilst the other two are on either side of her, standing leaning over the table with their tightly clenched first acting as supports in the table.

"You must be joking, Dorian holds his fork the EXACTE same way as Harry."

For some reason Brittany senses something very bad about to happen. Everything became dark and a chill went down her spine.

"Oh don't you dare try and tell me that Harry knows how to properly hold a salad fork! He'd sooner know how to use a comb!"

The chill became colder and the dark even darker, she could here the nine horsemen drawing near. And what on earth was that peculiar smell, is the smell of burning souls?

"Oh yeah? Well what do you think about all this Brittany?"

The end is here! Apocalypse hath arrived on her doorstep! How the hell is she going to get out of this one alive? Oh how the gods had abounded her, she thought as Remus and Narcissa both turned to her.

Damn Severus and his lacking the ability to tell one night stands to fuck off. ((Pun intended? WHO KNOWS WITH A CRAZY AUTHOR LIKE ME!))

Arm wrestling, the sport of gods and manly men alike. There is nothing more brutal then the cruel defeat of having one's arm slammed backwards against a table. Sirius, Lucius, and Severus ((all these names end in (s)…for what other purpose then to tell us they are all SEXY)) entered the competition eager to beat the other two competitors. Lucius the oldest of the three was the first to be kicked out of the matches, mostly because he had refused to touch the hand of a particularly dirty looking grandfather.

So it was back to the classic rivalry Sirius Black, the hot bad boy of Gryffindor, versus Severus Snape, the original bad ass dark arts knowin ganna kick yo ass Slytherin!

Both had worked their way through the ranks and were getting closer and closer to the top. They would soon be battling each other for the title of champion.

WAIT!

Sorry bout that I read the schedule wrong, Severus would go against Sirius FOR the chance to fight against some other old fuck for the title of burliest grandfather.

So there they were face to face with each other, Severus on the right side of the table and Sirius on the wrong side Sirius would have to win this one using his left arm! How ludicrous the thought, and yet, here it is, on paper.

They grabbed each other's hand, holding on as tightly s possible. You'd have thought they were holding on for dear life, bound together by the unbreakable bond of SUPER GLUE!

Both old men sweated; all of their tension and hate for one another was finally being released, right here right now. The crowds gave a weak cheer, for their oxygen mask refrained them from making too much noise, and the match was on!

Sirius struggled to move Severus's arm, so he decided to play dirty, cause who really cared he only had a few more years left in him, why not have as much fun as possible. Plus who's going to call an old man on mud slinging?

"So Severus, how's that outbreak of herpes doing? Clear up any since last time we meet? I know this Malaysian prostitute who might know some home remedies for them if it's been flaring up."

"Oh Black you really shouldn't talk about Remus that way. Just because he whores himself out doesn't mean you need to tell the whole world."

The old dog growled and pushed even harder on Severus's arm. The former potion's master's elbow slid several inches across the table.

"Touchy touchy!"

"So where did you meet Brittany? The usual bar, or did you branch out and go to the local brothel for once? Make things easier one yourself, instead of having to sort out which girls put out, all you have to do is pick your price range?" Sirius snarled.

Snape's moved back into it's position, and slide sirius's back several inches. For the next for minutes harsh words were exchanged, and positions on the table changed. Until finally Severus managed to insult Snuffles' husband, god child, and personal choice in clothing all in one snide remark

And

BOOM! Sevi's arm was thrown against the table. Sirius laughed as he watched his opponent walk away. He was about to do the same when the referee reminded him that he had to still arm wrestle one more person.

That one person was the burliest hairiest lesbian woman Sirius had ever seen. Her name was Cho Chang, and she looked like she was pissed off enough to snap him in half.

All Sirius Black could say was… "Gulp."

The picnic table was quiet when Dorian came over for a snack, before the three-legged racing started.

Dorian picked up a bottle of water and a few cookies to nibble on. He sat down next to Remus, across from Narcissi, and adjacent from Brittany. After downing half of his bottle of water and eating all of his cookies, he reached for more.

"Dorian dear, I think you've had enough cookies, you don't want to spoil your appetite before lunch do you?" Narcissa told Dorian, and handed him an apple. "Now finish you're water."

"Pish posh, if he wants a cookie, he can have one, it won't hurt nothing!" Remus said replacing the apple in Dorian's hand with a big hot ((for with magic food never gets cold)) gooey chocolate chip cookie.

"Yes it will indeed hurt something. He won't eat anything at lunch, and he'll get fat." Narcissa quickly but the apple back in Dorian's hand and tossed the cookie back on its plate of brothers.

Remus snarled, and decided it best not to start a fight. But no, the fates would have no peace would they? Cause they are bastards.

"Some one should put a muzzle on that beast before it attacks and eats all our grandchildren." Came the cold sneer of Luci…I mean Lucius yes that is what I hath said all along.

Quiet…quiet consumed them. Had our beloved Lucius truly made a werewolf joke? How low…and yet how sexy…Grr baby!

"That's exactly what I said this morning, been snarling all since last night, but for completely different reasons I might add." Sirius had saved the day! WooT he is now our savior! Stopped a fight and threw in a sex reference!

Brittany laughed, Severus held back a slight chuckle, Lucius grimaced and Narcissa whipped around to look at Dorian, who was happily eating his apple acting as though either A) he heard this all the time or B) he didn't understand.

A loud ominous voice obviously trying to move the story along announced that the three-legged race would be starting soon.

To Be Continued!

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Author's note: okay...This is totally to be continued! Tell me what yall think! Do you like it? Do you love it? Do you hate it and wish I would never continue? Tell me darlings, and I'll give you lots of cookies!


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